Our Lady of Fatima video

I have watched this video many times because I like the music, but this morning it made me weep.

Good News

Today I spoke to a reasonable man from the Visas section who said that I should have no problem getting an extension on my current visa. I hope so! That would allow me to work another job as well!

Plus, my mom said that this incredibly good-looking man that we noticed in Church at Christmas time - accompanying his mother - has been showing up at the evening Mass. My sister might make an announcement about Taize at the end one night when he is there. Hopefully he would be smart enough to go and talk to her. That would be fabulous. God I really hope so.

I'm glad today was positive. I felt so awful and anxious right before bed last. Now, so much better. Anxiety is a great sin because it is a sign that we are not trusting in God. It's true. Glad I discovered those old posts.

Humiliations

After a recent job interview went less than stellar (to say the least), this excerpt frmo Fr. Ciszek is appropriate:

Be thankful then... that God in his loving care sends humiliations your way... It was the same God who arranged for (joy) in order to strengthen and console you and who has now arranged your abrupt and humiliating departure from the scene to remind you once more that all things on this earth are governed by his providence and not man's efforts. That was yesterday, and today is today. You haven't done anything yet in (the Soviet Union) except by his grace and his will; to work out answers beforehand, you made a miserable mess of your efforts and had to learn all over again to look for God's will in the situations and circumstances. Isn't it about time you learned? Isn't it time you learned to be meek and humble of heart, to give up your own will and strive to conform to God's, to seek first the kingdom of God and his justice - not to worry about where this plane is taking you, or what you will meet there, or what you are leaving behind?

-Page 179

Ouch! There is more in that chapter that I will add on later, all about truth, humility and humiliation.

Gut Feelings

I was out with friends from work tonight. One of my Scottish friends was telling me that she had an instinct that I wouldn't be leaving. That something would be pulled out of a hat and that I would stay. I suppose I had already planned to stay, but without a real job prospect. But she did say that she had a very strong feeling about that.

I hope so.

My plan is to find out about alternative types of visas. That might be my way out (or in, I should say).

I'm approaching the end of Angels in my Hair. It's a wonderful book and I will be sad when it is done. I'm so glad I'm getting to learn more about her life (Lorna Byrne). Why is it that I believe her but have such a hard time accepting it and putting it into full practice? Can I just accept and believe that I have a guardian angel with me right now, that God has given to me as a gift? I'm confused but I am going to try harder to connect with it.

Happiness

Last Saturday or Sunday, I felt certain about the direction in which my fate was about to unroll. I was to up and leave my current home and head back to mom's house on another continent. In a way, this was part of my preparation for the "worst-case scenario" and had less to do with me feeling certain about the outcome than it had to do with me just craving certainty. Living in a state of limbo with your fate in the hands of a bureaucracy certainly tests one's patience and invokes a feeling of utter powerlessness that I longed to be rid of.

At the same time, my inner-faith spoke to my sister, "Anything can happen in the next week." And as usual, events and outcomes that I hadn't foreseen or even considered were where the truth was hiding. I'm allowed to stay and work longer than I had requested and now everything looks much more clear. I am delighted, but it certainly was a test of faith, knowing that a destiny over which you no longer have any power is unfolding by the hour.

Not everything seemed to go in my favour, however. I was reminded that the easiest way to experience self-loathing is to go to a job interview where you know in advance that you are unqualified and then attempt to lie about your suitability for the position. I may have destroyed some future job opportunities, but at least it may have settled this issue.

With that door closing, I do see hope on the horizon. It may be a man, it may be a job somewhere else in a different capacity in which I am not yet aware.

I will pray. I am finally reading "Angels in my Hair" by Lorna Byrne and it is full of the childlike love and hope that I need right now. I am very excited and curious about my future. My flatmate thinks that things will really come together for me in the next month or so. In a way, that is inevitable! But I truly feel that this may be connected to some sort of path. I have to keep praying.

When things don't go the way we planned...

So it looks like my so-called "worst fears" are coming true. Not only will I be unemployed next week but I will also have to relocate to my home country. Ok. The tears flew down my face and I felt anger towards the whole "system", but how can I question God's will? We do not know what he wants for us.

A part of Fr. Walter Ciszek's book He Leadeth Me brought me this wisdom:

Each day, every day of out lives, God presents to us the people and opportunities upon which he expects us to act. He expects no more of us, but he will accept nothing less of us; and if we fail in our promise and commitment if we do not see in the situations of every moment of every day is divine will.

That about says it and I have to trust that.

The Memorare

Something odd happened to me last night. I was reading an interview with Matt Baglio on Beliefnet a journalist who has just put out a book about exorcism. He describes an experience he had after viewing part of an exorcism of a woman who was cursing the Virgin Mary, about whom the priest said had helped the woman greatly. So the journalist said a prayer to Mary, and shortly thereafter, a strong aroma of flowers filled his car. What struck him most was that along with this, he couldn't seem to stop smiling and he couldn't explain why.

So I went to bed, saying my prayers and asking the Virgin to give me a sign that she was still with me. Oddly enough, I did go to sleep and I was dreaming. I think it was about exorcism, etc. At the end of this dream, it was incredibly clear that I was told to begin reciting the Memorare, though I could not fully remember the words. My mom used to make me recite this prayer.

As I was reciting the prayer in my dreams, I awoke to a disturbing presence. I had to get up to use the toilet and if I may say so, I felt a somewhat evil presence - not too intense, but definitely unsettling enough that I began reciting this prayer and a few others. I don't know if there were bad angels with me or what, but it is odd that that was the prayer that came into my mind so vividly.

So this morning I woke up and googled a line from the prayer, discovering that it is called the Memorare. It is a plea for the assistance of the Blessed Virgin. I am glad I discovered it and I enjoyed praying it this morning. It filled me with strong and positive feelings while I recited it.

Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary,
that never was it known
that any one who fled to thy protection,
implored thy help or sought thine intercession,
was left unaided.
Inspired with this confidence, I fly unto thee,
O Virgin of virgins, my Mother.
To thee I come, before thee I stand,
sinful and sorrowful;
O Mother of the Word Incarnate,
despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy
hear and answer me.
Amen.