Yesterday I experienced some of the worst feelings of anxiety when my fears about the future appeared to be confirmed. Not mortal fears, but employment. I may have to return to my homeland since the employment situation here in the Emerald Isle continues to contract, with just over a month left on my current permit.
There is still a chance for me though... but under the circumstances, which I won't go into in detail, I won't find out until the last minute.
This could signal an abrupt change, or the continuation of a project where my enthusiasm for it has already shifted from a source of current excitement towards a place in my memory bank of the experiences for which I am thankful. A key signpost on my path.
Today I woke up after a relatively restful sleep feeling much more hopeful about the future. And it's taken me back to some of the old school 12-step principles that were so instrumental in the formative years of my adult faith.
One day at a time... one step at a time. Focus on the present for "who of you by worrying has changed a hair on his head?"
This is true. I should not fear. The change does not have to be negative - when have I ever looked at change that way?!! I LOVE change! I thrive on it!
The loss of stability and familiarity does not have to mean a loss of security. It can be seen as a catalyst for innovation in my own life, and hopefully, towards a life serving others.
That is one thing I have learned, or rather re-learned, from working in a big institution - they have no loyalty. Individuals within it may try to help you, but ultimately the institution will take your ideas and contributions and own them, disregarding the personal source. It makes me want to start my own business, but in what?
i don't know.... but time will tell. For now, I am going to continue my leisurely morning sipping coffee and reading He Leadeth Me, by Fr. Walter J. Ciszek, SJ.