Happiness

Last Saturday or Sunday, I felt certain about the direction in which my fate was about to unroll. I was to up and leave my current home and head back to mom's house on another continent. In a way, this was part of my preparation for the "worst-case scenario" and had less to do with me feeling certain about the outcome than it had to do with me just craving certainty. Living in a state of limbo with your fate in the hands of a bureaucracy certainly tests one's patience and invokes a feeling of utter powerlessness that I longed to be rid of.

At the same time, my inner-faith spoke to my sister, "Anything can happen in the next week." And as usual, events and outcomes that I hadn't foreseen or even considered were where the truth was hiding. I'm allowed to stay and work longer than I had requested and now everything looks much more clear. I am delighted, but it certainly was a test of faith, knowing that a destiny over which you no longer have any power is unfolding by the hour.

Not everything seemed to go in my favour, however. I was reminded that the easiest way to experience self-loathing is to go to a job interview where you know in advance that you are unqualified and then attempt to lie about your suitability for the position. I may have destroyed some future job opportunities, but at least it may have settled this issue.

With that door closing, I do see hope on the horizon. It may be a man, it may be a job somewhere else in a different capacity in which I am not yet aware.

I will pray. I am finally reading "Angels in my Hair" by Lorna Byrne and it is full of the childlike love and hope that I need right now. I am very excited and curious about my future. My flatmate thinks that things will really come together for me in the next month or so. In a way, that is inevitable! But I truly feel that this may be connected to some sort of path. I have to keep praying.