Friday, June 12, 2009

Tiredness and Spirituality

This is my third or fourth night in a row where I've had less than four hours of sleep. I've continued to have energy during the day and I am fully functional, but in all honesty, I think this is a result of the ex re-entering the picture. I've been stressed, anxious, angry, hopeful, smitten, nostalgic, eager, excited, contemplative, weak, and strong. My mind has raced me through all these nights, refusing to let me sleep properly. All of this is catching up with me.

Yesterday, I began my Novena with a heart full of love and at least some hope in God's love for me and that He had a plan for my life. This coincided with my feelings towards the ex that arose out of a discussion with some friends about what a great guy he was/is. They said: play it cool. They could see I was in my smitten phase and said that at least he was obviously thinking of me too. So I began my novena with the request that there be reconciliation between us and for Jesus to protect our hearts and guide us towards our true loves, which is what we both want.

Now today, I feel nothing. No sense of faith nor any feelings towards ex. Just indifference. I suppose this isn't a big deal but it does make me question how much of my religious faith is really just a plea for help when threatened with an emotional upheaval over which I have little control.

Nevertheless, I said my prayers and pleaded for God to help me feel his love in my heart. This has been my problem in general lately. I just don't feel "God" the way I used to. I am even begging for some trials so that I can trust in Him again. The types of trials that bring me to God are often those over which I have little control, such as my romantic life. It is much easier to convince yourself that you retain at least a modicum of control over areas of your life such as work or school, but not with love. So maybe this is what will bring me back? I do beg for some trials in my love life. Anything at all would be a bonus.

Or maybe I'll just feel fine after a good night's sleep. :)

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